Treatment - Chapter 17

“Starting next month, Mr. Kim over there will be driving you around. He’ll also handle simple errands. Don’t worry too much. He won’t do anything that might look suspicious around the school. He looks pretty ordinary, doesn’t he? He’ll mostly do work he can remotely manage when he’s not driving. Sometimes, I’ll come pick you up as well. He’s not hired just for driving or security, so there’s no need for you to feel burdened.”

The man’s light-hearted explanation sounded distant. Was he joking? Even if I tried to look at it differently, I couldn’t figure out his thoughts.

“Really?”

When I asked,

“Yes.”

Mr. Hyunseong nodded with a smile.

He’s going to drive me? I needed some time to wrap my head around that.

Where should I start? First of all, the idea of me having a chauffeur just to get to and from school made no sense. The school wasn’t far, and I wasn’t a rich family’s son nor someone whose safety was under threat. My legs were strong enough. A chauffeur for me? If Shinhyeok Woo did this after discovering I was excitedly searching for routes to school last night, that’s really too much. I also wanted to ignore the ominous feeling that this was another losing battle, but it was really unnecessary.

When I didn’t respond, Mr. Hyunseong spoke again.

“Do you want to fight him?”

He didn’t sound like he was teasing. He was always more attentive to me than I deserved, being a wise and sharp person. But he was on that guy’s side. He would try to soothe me again.

“…There’s no reason for that.”

I replied weakly, and maybe sensing my unease, he laughed lightly and spoke. 

“No reason at all?”

Then, with that same smiling face, he said something that made my heart sink.

“I told you, he’s worried you might run away someday.”

Run away? I shook my head with a sigh.

It’s a lazy thought, but it’s a concept that feels far away to me now… Sometimes, I want to ask, if I run away, is there a chance I won’t be caught? Someday, I’ll have to leave on my own, but defying Shinhyeok and leaving this house seemed dangerous. A part of my mind, which had deviated from normal long ago, even felt guilty for some reason, while my efforts to remain cold and rational made me think about how well that guy knew where my mother lived and her situation.

“In any case, it’s good that you’ll be finishing your studies. You only have a year and a half left, right?”

The man quickly pulled my attention back, trying to keep my spirits up. It’s been four years since I left school. I hadn’t even known I could re-enroll, but the fact that Shinhyeok allowed it was the most surprising thing. After hearing last summer that he’d let me out of the house, I’d spent some time looking for office jobs that required only a high school diploma.

“Did you like studying law?”

No, I didn’t like studying. The school was reputable enough, and I’d attended on a full scholarship, but I’d been more interested in preparing for the civil service exam than graduating. And pretending not to know that my mother wanted me to quit school as I continued to put off studying to earn a bit of money. In other words, I hadn’t achieved anything worthwhile.

Honestly, when Shinhyeok Woo said he’d send me back to school, I should have declined. So why did I feel so moved and nostalgic at that moment? Why was I at a loss for words for that brief instant? Did I truly want to study again?

When I think about it, I remember my days as a student, using exams as a shield to recklessly run away from violence and poverty, as being peaceful. It’d be nice if I could study properly again, on top of this cozy and calm life that Shinhyeok had forced upon me. That’s what I hoped for. Foolishly and embarrassingly, I had become too accustomed to the grim kindness he had bestowed upon me.

“I wasn’t good at studying.”

“I know you were a scholarship student. The young master bragged about it.”

I smiled bitterly. Why would Shinhyeok boast about that? The man’s efforts to improve our relationship seemed tiresome.

“We’ll leave soon, so you should slowly start getting ready.”

When I looked at the clock at his words, it was past 5 p.m. A few hours ago, I received a vague message saying, ‘Dining out. Tonight’. I’m unsure who he’s dining with or if that message included me, so I don’t know if it means Shinhyeok would be late home or that I should get ready to go out. Despite constantly scolding me to keep in touch, Shinhyeok’s own vague messages always left me wondering. I guess what he said earlier meant the latter. In other words, we’d be eating out together.

The thought of going out made my heart pound. The fresh air outside didn’t necessarily mean something good. If I got dragged around by Shinhyeok, the radius of my movements wouldn’t be that wide; it was usually limited to restaurants, movie theaters, or places that would put me in a difficult spot. My vision went dark at the thought of debts piling up uncontrollably. Since it was just a meal out today, he wouldn’t spend money like crazy or try to give me something. We often fought about these things. Or rather, to say I was one-sidedly scolded would be more accurate.

I have a lot of debt.

Because of Shinhyeok Woo, I owe a terribly large amount.

What Mr. Hyunseong once said to me floated to the top of my mind.

‘The young master is a kidnapper, after all. And he’s committed plenty of other heinous crimes. It’s perfectly fine to take what he gives you; there’s no need to feel indebted about living with him. Even if you spend his money, it’s his money being spent. You should be demanding alimony instead. He’d probably be thrilled if you asked him to buy you something.’

Honestly, Mr. Hyunseong is a bit odd. Something about him makes him seem like the kind of person Shinhyeok would have around. It’s a sense I can’t quite understand.

There wasn’t much to do to prepare for going out. I went into my room, quickly brushed my teeth, washed my face, and put on the clothes Mr. Hyunseong had prepared.

‘It’s fun to dress you up like a doll, Jaehee Lee. I like playing dress-up with you.’

What kind of fun could one get from playing with someone who’s more like a toy soldier or a scarecrow than a Barbie doll? Since my outings are so limited, I don’t need many clothes, and the ones in my wardrobe were all chosen by Shinhyeok. But it’s a pathetic thing to admit, there were quite a few days I just stayed in pajamas all day.

Shinhyeok Woo is quite particular about choosing clothes. I actually enjoyed watching him do it, as long as the clothes weren’t for me. It was fascinating how his intimidating and solid physique, which could make one’s spine shiver when unclothed, looked so much more restrained and disciplined when wrapped in high-quality, stylish clothing. Sometimes, he’d dress up intentionally, amplifying his imposing presence. It’s hard to imagine him as the boy from his younger days. It’s also hard to believe he’s a year younger than me.

After leaving the house, the car sat in rush hour for a bit before moving smoothly towards its destination. 

I often get scolded for it, but I don’t have much interest in knowing where I’m going or what I’ll eat. It’s because I don’t want to have equal footing in making those choices. There wasn’t much to complain about, either. The places Shinhyeok took me usually had good views, weren’t crowded, and served almost overly refined food. We mostly sat in private rooms, compartments, or seats separated by walls, and every time we entered, he would casually say to me, who was tensing up,

‘I won’t touch you. You said you’re scared of doing it in places like this.’

Should I regret all those things I said to him while drunk, or should I praise myself?

As usual, he’d spoken in a cold, mocking tone, but now I’d learned to read between the lines of what he said. He’d keep his promise as long as I didn’t make mistakes. It was as if we had established some kind of unspoken rule.

“Maybe it’s better not to bring it up today.”

Mr. Hyunseong said that as we entered the hotel parking lot. Though the words were simple, it sounded like he’d thought carefully before speaking. I leaned forward and spoke.

“…Did something happen today?”

Mr. Hyunseong, who’d just finished parking, turned around and smiled.

“No, judging from his voice earlier, he seemed to be in a good mood.”

“……..”

I had nothing to say. You have to be careful when he’s in a good mood, just as much as when he’s in a really bad mood.

Shinhyeok says that I provoke him by being overly sensitive about trivial things. I don’t intend to dispute or argue about each of his criticisms, but to me, they aren’t trivial things. Even if it’s something to be dealt with later, it’s better to bring it up sooner rather than later. I know the pace at which Shinhyeok Woo swings things around. Having a chauffeur take me to school—it’s truly absurd. I wouldn’t even run away, not with all the money he’s spent to keep an eye on me.

As soon as I stepped inside, Shinhyeok, sitting on the sofa in the lobby, stood up and approached me. Even from a distance, I could recognize him instantly. It’s always like that. No matter how crowded the place is, Shinhyeok stands out right away. His height, a head taller than most people, his lean but towering build, and his sharp, handsome features are impossible to overlook.

I kept my eyes on him, suppressing the shamefully loud beating of my heart. I didn’t want to avert my gaze and then have to endure some nonsensical scolding about how I was embarrassed or something like that. Judging by his well-dressed appearance, it seemed he’d had an appointment related to his father. During the entire vacation, Shinhyeok was often summoned to his family’s home.

Seeing him now, all grown up and composed, brings back memories of the past. That first winter, when the snow had yet to melt, I felt that Shinhyeok Woo was far away, so very far away. Something unattainable to me, something that shone brightly from a distance beyond my reach.

I’ve grown used to this life together enough that it no longer feels like a sin.

Yet, at the same time, I find this life strangely unfamiliar almost every day.

Did Shinhyeok confine me from the world, or did he take in someone with nowhere else to go?

Was I trapped without any choice, or did I willingly immerse myself?

This is an old headache. Before it could intensify, Shinhyeok stood before me.

“You’ve worn it beautifully, Jaehee Lee.”

“……..”

It was the outfit chosen by Hyunseong. I looked down at my feet, uncomfortable in shoes I hadn’t worn in a while. A casual suit without a jacket and tie, with a coat—an outfit that felt strangely out of place.

Standing beside Shinhyeok, who was impeccably dressed with a coat draped over his arm, made me feel awkward and stiff. What kind of relationship did we appear to have? This scene, which might otherwise seem mundane to an outsider’s eye, felt precarious because of Shinhyeok. As soon as he glanced at Hyunseong, he immediately grabbed my arm and pulled me closer, draping his hand over my shoulder as usual.

“Don’t waste your pretty face; smile a little.”

His knack for saying things that would bewilder others without batting an eye hadn’t changed.

The problem is, he doesn’t do it to embarrass me intentionally. Our life together, the unchanging distance between us, this kind of relationship… I sometimes marvel at how he can be so calm about it all. Dressing up just for a meal and coming to such a luxurious place…

“Eat.”

Shinhyeok Woo is quite particular about my eating habits. I eat what he gives me, but according to him, I eat so little that I don’t have time to gain weight and have a habit of being a picky eater. It’s absurd. It’s not that I’m picky; like most people, I’m just cautious with dishes I’ve never seen before. In a place like this, where they have several courses, sometimes I become a little indulgent, thinking I’ll just eat the next thing that comes. A formal meal in a refined setting with wine just feels uncomfortable. It’s not a suitable place for two men, or a landlord and a tenant, to dine together.

“…Do you want some?”

I pointed at the scallop dish I’d taken a bite of but lost my appetite for; I asked despite knowing he’d probably hate it. I spoke up first because it felt wasteful for an expensive dish to go uneaten. Shinhyeok immediately frowned. Then, after taking a sip of wine, he replied in a cold tone.

“There are no ingredients that’ll make you sick, so stop fooling around and eat.”

“……..”

His words made my heart pound in various ways. How could he know what ingredients would make me sick?

For a while, the only sound was the soft clink of my knife against the dish. Beyond that, Shinhyeok continued to eat gracefully, without any unnecessary movements. Watching him eat with such a strictly refined demeanor, anyone would find it hard to imagine his usual temper. He didn’t say anything unnecessary. Sharing food from each other’s plates was out of the question—meals seemed to be a strict ritual for maintaining balance in his body. He couldn’t understand why I found such formal settings uncomfortable and couldn’t fully focus on eating.

Meals together were usually quiet. There was no sense of personal intimacy, and I didn’t expect any, but sitting across from him to eat sometimes reminded me of that day.

Two months ago, on a snowy evening, Shinhyeok came home a little earlier than dinner time. I was watching a show that featured various restaurants. We exchanged a few casual words before sitting side by side, watching the screen. It’d become a familiar scene. At first, I thought he liked TV, so I would leave it on around the time he was expected home. But then…

‘It’s not the TV I’m watching, but you staring at it, Jaehee Lee.’

‘……..’

‘Hurry up and look at the TV.’

He’s a bit peculiar.

On the screen, people who’d finished eating chicken soup were scooping up the scorched rice at the bottom of the pot with their fingers. When the soft glutinous rice, soaked in the milky broth, filled the screen, I unconsciously opened my mouth and sighed.

‘…….’

I turned my head at the feeling of being watched, only to find Shinhyeok looking at me in surprise.

‘Do you want to eat that?’

Unable to respond immediately, I swallowed.

And then, for the first time in a while, I heard Shinhyeok laugh.

His hand suddenly reached over, wrapping around my waist, and the next moment, I was sitting on his thigh. If I’d known, he had a habit of treating a grown man like a child… Well, even if I’d known, there probably wouldn’t have been anything I could do… It was always bewildering.

‘I never thought I’d experience what it’s like to tend to a wife with morning sickness.’

With overwhelming strength, he squeezed my waist and bit my neck and cheek, leaving me no room to escape.

‘If you’re going to act like this, at least get pregnant for real, huh?’

His joyous laughter, excited breaths, and the steady thumping of his heartbeat all felt excessively close. I felt completely exposed.

‘After all the effort I put in to feed you, and all you want is something like that? You don’t even like meat.’

It wasn’t about the meat—it was the scorched rice. My boss sometimes made it a snack when I worked at the restaurant bar. It was just instant scorched rice boiled for a while, but it was my favorite dish during those hard-working times. The owner knew this and tried to feed me as often as possible, and when I couldn’t eat hot food due to all the harsh incidents back then, he would offer me soft fruits like bananas as snacks. It was the only warmth I could hold on to when growing distant from my mom.

I didn’t want to tell Shinhyeok about it. I didn’t want to stir up unnecessary emotions. I wouldn’t have said anything more if he’d left it at that. But after kissing for a while, Shinhyeok suddenly picked up his phone to contact Hyunseong, demanding he find the restaurant that had just been featured on TV, insisting we go today or tomorrow. Seeing this, I couldn’t help but reach out, even if it was a little too late.

‘It’s not that….’

As I reached for my phone to stop the call, Shinhyeok watched with interest, then hung up without another word. He turned back to me, and I swallowed nervously, answering his question.

‘…The scorched rice.’

I wanted the scorched rice… Embarrassment flushed my face.

‘Not the kind you buy… and we don’t have to go anywhere.’

‘……….’

‘We could ask the lady to make it… I could make it, too, for dinner…’

Shinhyeok’s gaze turned peculiar. His unfiltered interest was piqued.

‘What is it?’

‘……….’

‘And why are you sighing?’

‘………..’

‘It seems like something caught your eye. Is there a story? What is it? Tell me.’

I find Shinhyeok Woo quite difficult. He’s too perceptive and never lets things slide. How could I explain that I missed the warmth I shared with my hyung at the store, the warmth I sought to escape Shinhyeok’s cruelty?

But I had to open my mouth. Speak up. Because once he says something like that, he never lets it go. He’s not the kind of person who falls for excuses, vagueness, or evasion. If this interrogation continued into the bedroom, I couldn’t even predict what might happen tomorrow.

‘Hyung…’

‘What?’

‘My boss, the hyung from the bar I worked at. Sometimes, he’d make it for me in the early mornings… It reminded me of that.’

Before winter ended, I wanted to visit my old boss. If my memory serves me correctly, Shinhyeok didn’t hold a favorable opinion of him. There was no reason for him to, but still.

‘You’re so arrogant, Jaehee Lee.’

His voice carried that familiar sardonic tone. My answer didn’t please him.

It’d been almost a year since I quit that job. My old phone, where I’d saved his phone number, had disappeared somewhere, and since the shop location changed frequently, I wasn’t even sure if hyung still ran his business there. I never really had any meaningful relationships, nor did I feel the need to keep in touch with him, but I wanted to visit him at least once to say hello. He was someone I was deeply grateful to. How could I explain these feelings to Shinhyeok, who didn’t even like me visiting my own mother?

It seemed like my troubled thoughts were visible. Shinhyeok, who’d been watching me without breaking his gaze, gently held onto my ankle, a familiar habit, and spoke softly.

‘If you introduce me to that bastard you call your hyung. Then I’ll take you to see him.’

Introduce him. This man, or this relationship… to someone else.

I traced the outline of those words, then simply lowered my head. It was a test too harsh to face directly. I couldn’t even bring myself to look into his eyes. Shinhyeok pulled me towards him, sensing my hesitation. That evening, instead of frequenting a hotel or an expensive restaurant, we ate seafood scorched rice stew at a local eatery.

Shinhyeok’s expression was curious as he looked around the crowded shop, with tables crammed together and filled with people. Though he’s often mocked as new money and had quite a tough reputation during his school days, Shinhyeok is, fundamentally, a spoiled young master. When was the last time he’d been to a place like this? That thought made me smile for no reason. It was also the first time I consciously noticed that Shinhyeok was a year younger than me. And that I didn’t particularly like seafood.

I pulled Shinhyeok’s bowl toward me and put some of my portion into it. Food in my bowl was just for show, and it was only natural that someone who’d spent all day studying would be hungrier than someone who’d spent the day lazing around.

‘Eat a lot.’

I mumbled as I pushed his bowl back to him and picked up my spoon. Suddenly feeling a pang of guilt for doing something I normally wouldn’t dare, I looked up,

‘……..’

Only to see Shinhyeok smiling from ear to ear.

We finished the meal without any further conversation. It was a dish that suited winter well, and I liked eating in an atmosphere like that. I could hide within the noise.

‘Was it good?’

After we left the restaurant and he started the car, Shinhyeok asked me that.

‘Yeah.’

I answered immediately.

“Than—”

My attempt to give him a gracious thank you was muffled by his tongue and scent entwining around me as he kissed me. When he finally pulled away, Shinhyeok finished my sentence.

‘If you’re grateful, introduce me to that bastard.’

That meal remains one of the most memorable despite leaving room for unease. The snowy night, the view of the distant palace illuminated against the backdrop, the luxurious sherbet, and the white wine caressing the tongue that was even more expensive than the food itself, so much so that seeing the bill could give you a headache.

Although it was clearly not his taste, Shinhyeok sometimes asked me, ‘Should we eat scorched rice?’ After scolding me thoroughly when I caught a cold while watching the snow, after arguing over communication issues when I fell silent, and on the day I burst into tears after receiving an extravagant birthday gift.

My birthday was about two weeks later. As usual, I planned to let the day pass unnoticed, but the items arriving at the house kept me busy all day. The bodyguards told me they were for me. It was mid-December, as the start of winter set in, around the time I could barely quell the nightmares. I spent the day helplessly recalling events from a year ago, and that night, I had nowhere to run from Shinhyeok Woo when he came home.

He left me crying for a long time before finally reaching out to me, but Shinhyeok didn’t take away everything that had overwhelmed me. He knew. He knew that I couldn’t forget that day. And he had no intention of making me forget, by supplying me with expensive coats, shoes, bags, a new laptop, a camera, even a new watch, things that were useless to me, not to cover up the memories but to imprint that day into my mind. To train me, who would ultimately never escape from him. And,

‘You arrogant bastard. What do you hate so much?’

‘………’

‘…Nevermind. Stop crying. Just accept it because it makes me feel good. Don’t be stubborn when you can’t even win.’

Because he wants to be kind to me as much as he wants.

I’ve become a crybaby. That night, after crying until my head was about to burst, I was comforted, had wine and cake, and lay in bed without having to have s*x. 

‘Let’s have scorced rice tomorrow.’ 

As I was about to fall asleep, I heard him whisper and felt tears welling up again. 

All I could do was wonder. What are we doing? We’re not even in a relationship. I have nothing to offer… So what are you doing with someone like me? Thinking about that makes my heart collapse.

Even though I can’t win, I sometimes pick fights with Shinhyeok Woo. Only when it feels unbearable, when it seems like there’s absolutely no reason to endure. What he said today was one of those times. I wanted to take the bus and subway to school. I decided to bring it up before going to bed after returning home. I suddenly felt uneasy about myself, growing accustomed to setting rules and making adjustments.

“You don’t like it, do you?”

And it was Shinhyeok who threw a direct pitch, scattering my plans. This kid is always a step ahead of me.

Carefully meeting his gaze, Shinhyeok, who had been reaching for his glass, smiled leisurely.

“I heard you said there was ‘no reason for that’.”

No reason. No reason to commute using a chauffeur… Mr. Hyunseong doesn’t side with me, no matter the situation. I wanted conversations like that to only happen when we were alone to avoid getting scolded. I kept my mouth shut, not letting my guard down, and Shinhyeok provoked me again.

“Speak. You were planning to fight me on this, right?”

“……..”

“Are you scared I’ll strip you naked right here if you say something? I told you I won’t do that anymore.”

He said he wouldn’t, yet he did it one more time. Just last month.

We’d gone to see a movie on a Friday night. I stood quietly, watching the elevator numbers ascend, when my phone rang. It was Mom. Feeling relieved, I answered the call. Though he doesn’t hide his annoyance, Shinhyeok Woo is remarkably lenient towards anything involving my mom.

‘Mom.’

She told me the shop was doing well, and recently, they hired more staff. She could take the entire weekend off because of that, and she was very happy.

 

[What are you doing? Are you off work?] 

 

Listening to her cheerful tone, I answered softly, pushing down the guilt of having spent the day doing nothing.

‘Yes. I went to see a movie.’

It would have been okay if I just said that. I wanted my mom to know that I was doing well like regular people.

 

[With who?]

 

My mom asked me that, and only then did I realize that I’d said something pointless…

‘…Just.’

When I answered blandly, my mother laughed again.

 

[Just? Alone?]

 

‘………Yeah.’

It was then that Woo Shin-hyeok suddenly lowered his head. He put his ear to my cell phone with a slight smirk on his relaxed face. On the other end of the phone, I could hear the smile in my mom’s voice as she nagged me.

 

[Why is my baby going there alone? You don’t have a nice girl you can take? Is it fun to watch it alone?]

 

‘……..’

I don’t remember how I responded as I fumbled through the rest of the phone call. After it ended, Shinhyeok spoke to me.

‘Are you embarrassed to watch a movie with me, Jaehee Lee?’

I felt an uneasy tension among the strangers cramped into that small space with us. Although he said it with a joking smile, I knew very well that Shinhyeok Woo would genuinely get angry over something like this.

Then, in the middle of the movie, he suddenly kissed me. I was startled, but the fear of causing a bigger reaction kept me from resisting. Before I knew it, his hand slipped inside my sweater, and my pants’ zipper was pulled down. Every time we went to the movies, he handed me a popcorn that I wouldn’t even eat, but at that moment, I was grateful for it as I held it in my lap. Trembling in fear, he licked until my chin was wet, and under his rough touch, I reached my climax. As we walked out of the theater afterward, the woman who’d sat next to me gave me a strange look. I wanted to bite my tongue. I returned home with red eyes but didn’t have the energy to be angry. Anger wasn’t a card I had to play.

‘We’re going to have s*x, so get out.’

As soon as the front door closed, Shinhyeok roughly stripped me of my clothes. Before we even reached the living room, he pinned me down, now completely naked, and said that.

Thankfully, the moment my coat had come off, the guards and Hyunseong, who were stationed at the entrance, had all turned their backs. I knew this was going to happen. I didn’t know it would happen right in the middle of the living room, but I knew it would be a difficult night.

‘L-Let’s go to the bedroom.’

I barely managed to speak before Shinhyeok p*netrated me and immediately started thrusting. Shinhyeok is always hasty when piercing my body. He’s the type to just stick it in first, so no matter how much I pleaded before that, it never reached him. Shinhyeok snorted at the words I whispered while hugging his shoulders as he roughly rubbed my n*pples. When he leaned over, the pain from where we were joined shot up my spine.

‘I sent everyone away. What are you so cautious about?’

What do you mean, what was I cautious about? Of course, the people who cleaned the house. They came three times a week to do the housework, but I could never properly look them in the eye. When I didn’t respond, Shinhyeok, seemingly angry, bit my cheek and let loose. I was swept away just like that.

Whenever he was in a mood, my body was p*netrated on the living room floor, with all kinds of fluids spilling. As I shuddered in embarrassment each time, Shinhyeok would laugh and have the expensive-looking carpet replaced the next day.

—‘It’s ruined, so get rid of it.’

Listening to him give orders like that, I thought to myself that I’d never get used to this, even if I were reborn and experienced it multiple times.

‘People don’t change easily, right?’

Carrying my body covered in saliva, Shinhyeok gently whispered that as he took me to the bathroom. Once my face, stained with s*men, was clean under his deceptively tender hands, I managed to reply in a hoarse voice.

‘…I agree.’

People don’t change easily. Not your outrageously cruel and greedy habits of trying to brand others in any way, nor my lukewarm self who is insignificant in everything. 

I didn’t want to attach any meaning to how he brushed back my hair as if he was pleased with my answer but a part of my mind was already broken a long time ago. Fighting the urge to cry, I closed my eyes.

‘You tell her.’

And before that weekend ended, I learned the true nature of Shinhyeok Woo’s generosity toward my mother.

‘Explain to her what’s going on between us. If you properly introduce me, I can buy a house for her immediately. You don’t want to see your mom struggle, do you, Jaehee Lee?’

‘Properly introduce’. In other words, explain everything that’s happening between you and me.

‘……..’

Suddenly, my difficult task had doubled.

I always thought it was hard, but this was on a completely different level. Much more so than being violently s*ripped at an unexpected moment. Although my hyung from the store knows about the relationship between me and Shinhyeok, my mother probably has never even imagined same-sex relations in her life.

Of course, I couldn’t lie forever. I’ll be going back to school soon. But there was no way I could explain this relationship. No words could fully describe what we had.

Not long ago, Shinhyeok scolded me. His phone rang while he was in the shower, but of course, I didn’t answer it. I have a good memory, and I couldn’t forget when I’d answered a call for him that time.

‘You still can’t find the title to describe yourself yet?’

It was a phrase I’d heard over and over again recently as he pushed me.

Yet. No, for me, there’s no ‘yet.’ It’s always like that and will be like that forever, hopefully… If I let go of that feeling, I feel like I wouldn’t be able to live.

‘What do you think you’re doing with me?’

I find it sly of Shinhyeok Woo to ask me things like that.

He doesn’t even give me a hand to play, so why ask questions like that?

Does it even matter that I want something from you, that I try to explain, persuade, and demand?

“How long are you going to take? Hurry up and argue with me.”

After being lost in thoughts like that, Shinhyeok’s voice urged me back to the present. It was the kind of thing someone who was confident of winning would say.

Staring at the flickering night view, I cleared my throat and opened my mouth.

“It’s not…”

Living in such luxury, dressing well, and eating well, can I even dare to have a will against you?

“There’s no need for a driver to take me, right?”

“Why not?”

To the words I forced out with difficulty, Shinhyeok asked simply, ‘Why?’ My mind became tangled. Trying to keep it simple, I said what I could.

“The school isn’t far, and the transport is good. And, you know, for exercise, if I walk…”

“Go to a fitness center to exercise.”

“…I can just walk.”

“Use the equipment. The doctor said to build up your strength. I was thinking of sending you to exercise after your cold got better. Starting next week, come with me…”

“No, that’s not what I meant…”

“Then what?”

The more I spoke, the more the path seemed blocked, and unwanted burdens piled up. I shook my head and leaned forward. Meeting his gaze as if to plead, Shinhyeok’s eyes sparkled as if he found this conversation very amusing. I could almost hear him say his usual phrase, ‘Keep talking’. I was getting tired. Nothing was easy with Shinhyeok.

As we left the restaurant and drove back, we bickered intermittently. It felt like the meal I’d rushed through was sticking in my throat.

“If I walk and take the bus, it increases my activity. That’s how you build stamina… Why hire someone?”

“You’re talking too much, Jaehee Lee.”

After fastening my seatbelt, Shinhyeok kissed me lightly and bit my lip. I had no time to dodge. He liked that kind of thing thing. Places like my fingers and earlobes often bore marks.

“What if you collapse on the street? Whose responsibility would that be?”

“It’s not like that. It’s not far enough that my stamina will run out.”

“You don’t have any stamina to begin with. You can’t even handle two rounds of s*x with me.”

“….I like taking the subway. And the bus.”

“Has anyone ever followed you?”

“……..”

“Just think of it like money I want to spend money. Okay?”

Frustrated by how he always ended the conversation with such absurd remarks, I sighed. We stayed silent until we reached the parking lot. I hate the idea of wasting money because of me. That’s what I hate the most. I didn’t say it in the end because I knew it wouldn’t end with a casual argument if I did. Shinhyeok reacts viciously to my fear of debt.

But my silence also provokes him.

“Jaehee Lee.”

After parking the car and turning off the engine, Shinhyeok called my name softly, his eyes fixed straight ahead. Only then did I realize my abrupt end to our conversation had angered him. Shinhyeok hates it when I stay silent. It’s not like I’m trying to provoke him—I’m just trying to find the right words, or I end up giving up. This issue has often led to arguments.

People don’t change easily.

And we were very different.

“I don’t trust you.”

Unlike the gentle call earlier, his tone was as cold as a slap. I hung my head.

“What reason do I have to trust you? You’re an asshole who can’t even decide what to call me.”

“………”

Shinhyeok Woo is sensitive about this issue. Despite rehearsing countless times, I still couldn’t naturally call him by his name. Explaining our relationship to someone who didn’t know us seemed like talking about a different world altogether.

One night, I called his name, almost as if under a spell.

In summer or sometime before that, we were trapped in an unfamiliar place on a day when I was sunken low in my old memories.

He seemed to know I’d been lost in old thoughts for a while. Shinhyeok had keenly sensed the changes in me. Being trapped in an unfamiliar place, even for a few days, had made me more sensitive. At that time…

‘I’ve answered. Think about it carefully.’

That day, I knew that no matter what I did, I would never be able to erase you. No matter where or how the rest of my life went, I would definitely hold you in my arms. My wish to be forgotten wasn’t granted. The light of that winter was still my destiny.

I don’t know how it happened. At dawn, after pouring out all that was in my heart, I looked at Shinhyeok Woo, who was sleeping peacefully, and my mouth suddenly opened.

‘…..Shin, hyeok.’

‘Until I die…. You can’t pronounce it?’

‘…Woo, …Shin, hyeok.’

‘Can’t you pronounce it?’

What filled my mind was his face, frowning and asking that question. I didn’t want to mean anything to someone who’d taken over my youth, but at that moment, only that question full of deficiency came to mind. Have I ever called your name? It’s not like anything would change irreversibly just by making a sound. No, more than that, how long could this moment continue… I was momentarily confused as if thoughts had swept me away.

‘…………Shinhyeok-ah.’

.

Looking back now, I think that maybe it was my desire after all. Calling my disaster, responding to his resentment over never hearing me say his name. Pronouncing him just once without despair or trembling and holding onto it gently.

It was embarrassing that he caught me, and I felt a knot in my stomach that day. I am already powerless to begin with, so feeling that weakness is pathetic, even to me… I was weak to Shinhyeok’s lack. It would have been a big problem if he learned that.

Anyway, that night was enough for me, and time accumulated without me having the reason or courage to call it again. Several seasons passed of me pretending not to notice Shinhyeok’s unsatisfied urging. In Shinhyeok’s eyes, I must seem like a very cowardly person.

Apart from the curse I will carry for the rest of my life, I don’t think this life will be eternal. I must always be ready to shake it off and get up, believing that the oath not to leave any meaning behind will protect me.

But time has passed idly, and after four seasons, like a coward, I feel anxious when Shinhyeok Woo doesn’t come home without a word. 

“My mom?”

I think that’s maybe the answer to your question of what reason you have to trust me.

Shinhyeok knows my mother’s life and circumstances too well. Every time I think I shouldn’t provoke this child in the worst way, I think of my mom. My mom who’s finally become happy with the miracle this man built. My mom who started a new life with a man who doesn’t become malicious even when drunk.

I thought of earning money and giving it all to Shinhyeok. But I probably won’t be able to repay everything he’s done for me. He likely doesn’t treat me this way expecting something in return, I think… Probably not. I have nothing to give back, and given how often he gets angry and loses his temper, it doesn’t seem that satisfying to keep me locked up and under control. What exactly are we building? I don’t know. At times, I feel vaguely anxious, wanting to remain in ignorance.

“If you answer like that, you’re really just playing with me.”

…Are you feeling anxious?

I thought that as I watched his twisted smile from the side.

Then, am I deceiving you?

I couldn’t quickly dismiss the following thought.

“…I won’t run away.”

Turning my head away to avoid his cold gaze, I murmured in response. My voice sounded unsure even to my ears. Shinhyeok immediately shot back with a voice tinged with blatant sarcasm.

“Not just because you can’t?”

“……..”

Exactly, what is it?

Is it that I won’t run away, or that I can’t?

I got out of the car without answering. A short interval later, I heard Shinhyeok slamming his car door shut. I thought about how I should’ve listened to Mr. Hyunseong. However, it would be rude to go back on hiring the person who would drive me, and there were only about fifteen days left until March, so it’d be better to speak while there was still time.

I won’t run away. That made it sound like I was staying because I couldn’t escape. It was far from saying I wanted to be by your side.

“…….”

When I got in the elevator, Shinhyeok pressed close to me. It wasn’t unusual for him to wrap his arm around my shoulder or hold onto my arm in places other than at home, but it was more troubling when he hugged me tightly from behind and openly nuzzled my neck. Even though it was a private elevator, where we wouldn’t run into any strangers, to me, anywhere that wasn’t home was the same. I sighed shortly. This is all you ever do. Every time, only in a way that I loathe… even though I said I hate it.

Unlike me, who leads a closed-off life without doing much, Shinhyeok Woo is a student preparing for a socially prestigious profession and will also be involved in his father’s business. Isn’t he afraid? What if rumors spread that he’s seen with a man? What good could come of this habit? I finally spoke as I pushed away the hand lifting my coat and groping my backside.

“Please stop doing… this.”

I could feel him silently smiling behind my neck.

“…Don’t do it.”

I realized too late that I had made a mistake by saying that. If I tell him not to do something, Shinhyeok would respond by saying, “Can’t I even do this to you?” The laughter deepened against my back.

“What?”

His feigned innocence irritated me. The grip around my waist tightened, and my heart reflexively began to pound heavily.

Being overly serious about hiring someone to look after me, one-sidedly ending the conversation, and seriously reflecting on my feelings when asked if it was because I couldn’t run away. Which of these made you the angriest? No matter how careful I was, it was hard not to anger Shinhyeok Woo. People don’t change easily. The fact that we live together is already unreasonable.

“L-Let’s just go home and then….”

“Go home and what? Are you going to spread your legs prettily? You always act like you’re begrudgingly serving me.”

Serving. Using such an old-fashioned, nasty word shows how furious he is. I couldn’t breathe easily.

I could understand a little. The darkest tunnel was already behind us, and Shinhyeok promised he would never strip me n*ked and throw me out on the street again. He still does as he pleases depending on his mood, but he no longer smokes at home and doesn’t deliberately hit me. And I no longer become irrationally scared like I used to. Maybe that’s the case.

But people don’t change easily… And all my darkness is layered upon me.

When I wake up from a nightmare and look at him with unfamiliar eyes, Shinhyeok looks confused. He wonders why I have that look again, why I can’t forget, and what I lack that makes me still like this. I’ve learned to read his anger.

At times like that, I feel very distant from Shinhyeok Woo. This child will never understand me. No matter how fierce the winds that tore at him, he probably ripped them apart with his bare hands and walked the path he wanted. And I was someone who stumbled pitifully before the blowing wind.

It wasn’t that I lacked anything; I just couldn’t mimic those who could live forgetting.

All the darkness of my life, the walk home at dusk, my father’s swearing, the smell of alcohol, my mother’s stifled sobs, the random slaps and dishes thrown at me, the unending worries about money, the times I spent alone with my brother, the long and lonely times I spent alone, the noisy nights that made the neighbors gossip, the kids who looked down on me because I was busy worrying about money, the rough people who came to my house unexpectedly, the darkness of the night again, the familiar violence, my mother’s screams, my father’s death, the excruciating factory work that felt like it would kill me, my shabby college days…… and you. Of course, the darkness that Shinhyeok Woo brought to me is also part of me. I’ve grown used to this unhealthy life enough to feel guilty, but at the same time, I’m still living with those memories.

The fingers that slipped into my waistband touched my bare chest. My wildly beating heart was caught in Shinhyeok’s hand, and a cynical laugh brushed my ear as if mocking my fear, after I’d stopped resisting. I didn’t mean to make you angry… but no words of excuse came out.

From the sound of the elevator door opening to the sound of passing through several doors and familiar faces to reaching the bedroom, I was dazed. Feeling thankful that we arrived here safely without things getting worse, I hurriedly started undressing, only to be greeted with Shinhyeok’s unsettling breathing and his hand forcing itself on my body. My hands suddenly stopped his as he roughly stripped me.

“Shower…”

I saw my hand holding Shinhyeok’s hand under his empty gaze. It was trembling terribly.

“I want to take a shower first…”

I never knew when my body might be torn apart, so I tended to shower often. However, earlier today, I had been too dazed by the sudden news and had no time to spare due to the unexpected outing. That thought weighed on my mind. Shinhyeok always smelled cool and refreshing, no matter the moment. Along with all the sensations that had crushed my body, this man’s scent was deeply imprinted on me.

“…Take your time.”

I lifted my gaze as he finished speaking. His unfamiliarity and servility in telling me to take my time were unsettling.

It’s not like I don’t have s*xual desires. However, s*x with Shinhyeok Woo was difficult. Whether it was violent or tender, whether I was subjected to unrestrained anger and made to understand its reasons, whether it was his erratic efforts to comfort me or the premonition that it might gain some meaning, or whether I occasionally felt the urge to call out his name… all of it terrified me.

Shinhyeok, who had been looking at me with a cold, hardened expression, silently grabbed my hand and pulled me into the bathroom. I heard the door close behind me and placed a hand on my pounding chest.

It was clear he was barely holding back his rising anger.

Before the four seasons had even passed, I had become accustomed to receiving Shinhyeok Woo while lying face down. I could close my eyes whenever I wanted, and even if I kept them open, the darkness was no different from having them closed. The pitch-black floor supported me. Crying didn’t matter. If I shut my eyes tightly and gritted my teeth, I could somehow endure the pain that tore through my knees, the back of my hands, and the center of my body. I often felt the hallucination of a burning cigarette pressed against my back. That had actually happened about three or four times.

“Open your eyes.”

Now, Shinhyeok didn’t allow that darkness. I wasn’t permitted to close my eyes at will; I had to accept Shinhyeok pressing down on me. I couldn’t avoid his gaze or freely bite my lips. Not even crying was free. His insistence on knowing why I cried and his softening his movements to make the tears stop were equally painful for me.

Even after it became undeniably familiar, my eyes sometimes still watered. Whether it was fear, despair, the feeling that past events were looming too close, or the vague desire to resist the overwhelming things I couldn’t see.

The reason I’m crying now isn’t due to such complex emotions. It’s just because it hurts. Shinhyeok, who wasn’t trying to hide his anger, was blatantly making me suffer.

“Ah…!”

It was his unique way of carving himself into me by tearing my body apart.

Even though he had promised not to do this anymore, it was difficult when he bullied me, taking pleasure in insults and harsh movements. But what was hardest was when he unleashed his anger unilaterally, as he was now. Maybe it’s because I had too many memories. Even when I gritted my teeth, praying for the night to end, my tears kept flowing as he thrust down deeply.

“Hng… ugh, ah…!”

I occasionally heard Shinhyeok’s laughter mixed with my low sobs. Hiding in that laughter, I cried out in pain. Knowing that my suffering brought him joy and realizing that nothing reached him was strangely reassuring. Here, my will meant nothing. Everything was beyond my control. And this night, too, would pass. These were the things that became my familiar escape.

Shinhyeok, who had been looking down at me with a smile, furrowed his brows at some point and said,

“Does it hurt that much?”

If only he didn’t suddenly show such kindness, my nights would pass with nothing but untroubled pain.

As I scrunched my face without responding, Shinhyeok picked me up. I briefly trembled as I wrapped my arms around his firm neck. His black hair, wet with sweat, his cool, shining eyes, and the seduction and sadism that dwelled within them all poured onto me. He was a breathtakingly beautiful person. Feeling as if my heart would burst from the pain, I closed my eyes. Just then, my body, which Shinhyeok held softly in his arms, was slammed back down onto him.

“…….!”

I couldn’t even let out a whimper as I buried my face in his sweat-drenched neck. The pleasure that seeped through the pain was dismal and frightening.

I lost count of how many times he e*aculated inside me. The feeling of s*men trickling down my legs and the wet sounds brushing past my ears were so intense that they felt distant, but I still struggled to take him in. There was no need for me to feel self-deprecating about it. Even if it was a subject I knew nothing about, I was sure his size was undeniably excessive compared to other people. It was only natural that I found it overwhelming without even mentioning unwanted relationships, pain, or fear. So, I was justified in running away without any guilt.

“I asked you a question, Jaehee Lee. Aren’t you going to answer?”

Shinhyeok Woo asked me countless questions. Whether it was something I had no answer for, something I found difficult to answer, or something I was in no state to respond to, he didn’t care.

“Jaehee Lee.”

I braced myself, tightening my arms around his solid back. 

‘What do you think you’re doing with me?’

I should’ve plugged my ears back then. That question followed me around like a poisoned arrow. What are we doing? Something impure. Something immoral. Something unjustifiable. Something that’s nothing… No matter how much it hurts…

“…I won’t stop.”

No matter my answer, he’ll stay the same as long as I run away. I find this thought more comforting than despairing. This is all I am, I…

“…Ah!”

He gripped my hair roughly, forcing our eyes to meet.

“Why are you acting so commendably today?”

I now knew that this was both your true intention and your malice. S*x that began as a one-sided punishment sometimes turned into a tangled fight. I also hadn’t let go of my resentment about you hiring someone to monitor me.

“Hah… Hmph… Ugh!”

His grip on my waist grew fiercer. I was torn apart, driven mercilessly out of my mind and body to the brink. My vision blurred with tears, and in the space between pain and pleasure, everything that I’d been tenuously holding onto was ripped apart. Please don’t let me run away… A faint, immoral thought crossed my mind before I quickly erased it. No matter how foolish I was, could I really wish for something like that? That wasn’t something Shinhyeok could do. If I stopped running, that would be enough. If I stayed and answered, that would be enough. It was something I could do without holding on to anything, but…

“Ah, ngh…!”

“Whew…”

Why is it so hard for me to face you?

Why is it so harsh and unbearable?

When I finally break down crying with nowhere left to hide, Shinhyeok became rather calm. In the silent gaze observing me, I sometimes felt like you understood me. The thing I most wanted to run from, the thing I couldn’t bear to answer, the thing that had already started to take shape, swayed by your unwavering gaze. Shinhyeok Woo never hid anything.

Not knowing what position I was held in or how my body was being impaled, the only thing that burned was the place he p*netrated. As he bit and sucked and thrust frantically, I e*aculated without knowing what was happening, and my insides were so wet and hot that I could feel them throbbing.

“……..!”

Despite all that, the sheer amount was shamelessly overwhelming. I thought, faintly, with my fragmented mind, that I might die like this.

“You can’t run away. Got it?”

Shinhyeok said as he tousled my hair with his s*men-covered hand.

I closed my eyes, vaguely thinking how sad it was.

Warm water enveloped my body as I occasionally picked up my thoughts.

The reason Shinhyeok Woo came to that conclusion was my fault. Because I didn’t answer. Because I chose to run away as I was used to, not wanting to know anything. Because I didn’t want to settle into this kind of life. If I were to stop resisting, I would feel once again stripped n*ked and thrown out onto the street.

‘You can’t run away.’

I didn’t feel guilty toward Shinhyeok, who’d reached a conclusion through cruelty in place of the words I wouldn’t say.

I was just inexplicably sad, anxious, and… a little confused.

Am I hurting you?

Are you someone who can be hurt?

Have I reached the point where I’m trying to gauge the wounds you’ve gone through, wounds that may be a tunnel stretching endlessly beyond what I can see…

Beyond my blurred vision, I couldn’t read Shinhyeok’s eyes.

Had they softened? Were they still frozen? Was he looking down on my body, or perhaps me, with pity?

Suddenly, I was overwhelmed with despair.

Even without reaching a conclusion, I could no longer take my eyes off this man.